Selamat Hari Merdeka

Selamat Hari Merdeka to my beloved Malaysia and her citizens all over the world!

Cakes!

Anyone wants customized cakes?

New Life Begins

It's been a week since I started my life where I supposed to be. I've regained my sleeping pattern and Alhamdulillah, less headache and certainly less stress.

I've busy daily schedule now and most of the time I’ve spent my time in the kitchen and that keeps me smiling and energetic. Although at times I feel a bit upset for letting go the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, but I am glad that I've made this decision; A decision to uplift the living condition of my family.

All these while, I've been collecting information on business and afraid to start off a business without proper preparation; mental and knowledge wise. Now, I have no choice but to do it.

I know some people criticized me of my 'weird' behaviour and thinking. Maybe they don't understand the real meaning of life on broader perspectives. People who less read or travelled can't imagine or understand things holistically. Some of these people do things without knowing or run things based on gut feelings and greed, that’s why they are not satisfied or unable to be happy. I am not saying that I am well-read or well-travelled, but at least I travelled about half of the Globe and I've seen what most people haven't seen or experienced. I thank God for that.

Now I am busy re-reading my notes and books on starting business plan and strategies. I will apply what I've learn during my job attachments at Business Development, International Business, Business Strategy and Intelligence. I have slight confidence that I can do well in this, but I am yet to grasp the nature of what I what I am doing now and educate the people I am dealing with.

Well, I’ve learned one thing. Happiness does matter. Yes, I am happy so far. I have set short-term target. Not so global or overwhelming this time round, but big enough to make my sisters and mom happy. For now, I am keeping my dreams aside temporarily. Surely and slowly I will continue what I've stopped.
I am dedicating my life, energy, money, experiences, and knowledge for the ones I love so much.

Over dosage of Ibuprofen

sakit kepala masih seperti hari-hari sudah... berlarutan tak tau sampai bila. At times, I feel like commiting suicide. Terlalu sakit yang tak boleh digambarkan.

2 days back, a friend of mine brought this so called 'the strongest painkiller' from 2 different pharmacies. Both medicines contains high percentage of Ibuprofen. The friend also got me a box of sleeping pills. One tablet a day.
There is not a single day gone without the headache now and without knowing the side effects, I been taking those pills twice the amount recommended DAILY. Still, the headache has no sign of subsiding...

I came across an article in the internet on overdosage of Ibuprofen... Sangat menakutkan...

"According to research institutes, Ibuprofen overdose damages your internal organs like liver. While in some cases it has been reported that it has result in a permanent liver damage, in other cases where the victim was taking the dose for a long and continued period it has resulted in organ failure one by one..."

"Ibuprofen Overdose can cause stinking vomiting, profuse sweating, severe abdominal pain, and can land you straight in the mental hospital for attempted suicide, where you may be medicated with things like liquid carbon or charcoal. Charcoal has the ability to absorb the drug before it can enter the systemic circulation."

"Some more side effects are unsteadiness, blurred vision, ringing in the ears, gastrointestinal, nausea plus vomiting, diarrhea, stomach pain, probable loss of blood in intestinal areas or stomach or both, headache, agitation, drowsiness, incoherence and confusion etc. Sometimes more serious symptoms are also noticed in some victims though very rare such as seizure, gastrointestinal bleeding, metabolic acidosis, respiratory depression, hyperkalaemia, tachycardia, atrial fibrillation, coma, hepatic dysfunction, renal failure, cyanosis, and cardiac arrest etc."

Ish... Yes, my eyesights are getting worse, now I can't even see things clearly even with my spectacles.
Respiratory depression, yup, that too.
Headache, agitation, confusion.... YES YES YES... all of that too...
Oh yes, I do have this very painful stomach ache...
Attempting suicide, YES YES Yes, I have that too....
Stinking vomiting, not yet.
OMG... What is happening to me? This is seriously scary...
I dont want to have internal organs failure. Then, what am I supposed to do? Go back home and seek treatment? Or resume daily life and tahan the kesakitan and hoping that I can get used to this pain?

I think the best way is, temporary hold my aim to continue my studies, and take care of my health. Kalau dah sakit teruk, apa pun takleh buat...

Masih ada lagi

Laaa ingatkan hari ni kurang la sikit sakit kepala ni...
Tapi tader beza pun... Rumah dah bau koyok. Tilam dengan bantal pun dah bau koyok. Kuat betul bau dia, kalah durian... Kenapa org tak buat koyok even though medicated, tapi ada bau2 yang best? From little what I know, sekarang kan dah ada artificial flavorants chemical substances... bukannye kena ada extract pisang kalau nak letak bau pisang? they just need the right codes of aroma chemical compounds in order to produce specific smells...

Let me give some examples, sekarang ni, banyak products kat luar, guna artificial flavours, itu kita tau, some of the big and famous food chain stores, even guna artificial smells ni so that kedai dan persekitaran kedai derang bau sedap... imagine, takkan la bau ayam goreng bleh bau dari jauh kan? jauh dari luar kedai tu dah bleh bau ayam goreng itu... padahal ayam tu derang goreng dalam tangki minyak yang tertutup... logik tak? itu la gunanya artificial bau... *This is what I think, mungkin derang tak guna pun chemical compound ni... tapi secara logiknya la kan... (ayat utk mengelakkan dari kena saman!)

some examples:

Diacetyl = rasa butter2
Isoanyl acetate = pisang
Cinnamic aldehyde = kulit kayu manis
Ethylvanillin = rasa vanilla
Allyl hexanoate = nenas
Limonene = limau

dan banyak lagi... Adakah benda ni bagus utk kita? This is what I always think... *Sebab tu slalu sakit kepala kot.... tapi taktau kebenarannya... memang la those chemical manufactures claim that these compounds are safe to consume, tapi kita sebagai pengguna ada terpikir tak, kalau semua dah jadi tiruan and chemical based, bila benda2 ni semua campur2 masuk dalam badan kita jadi apa? memang la kalau secara individual isoanyl acetate ni tidak mendatangkan kesan, tapi kalau campur dengan chemical compounds yg lain? Is the newly created chemical mixtures carcinogenic (cancer causing) or even hormone disrupting? To a certain degree I believe so. But what can we do about it? NOTHING unless we have access to natural products kat kampung2 or small and medium towns. Tapi kat Japan for example, memang ada natural products but very costly and skadar skali sekala bleh la, tapi bukan ada kesan kalu takat amik natural products once in a blue moon right?


Oh sudah jauh menyimpang dari bab sakit kepala tadi... asalnye nak sentuh pasal koyok berperisa je... hehehehe..

Why headache ni tak berenti2 ar? Seriously, I don't understand... Is it because of the condition over here is so stressful that I am thinking of unnecessary things? Or perhaps I have to go somewhere peaceful and live a simple life? But Japan is somewhat peaceful I can say.... There is no traffic congestion, no disorganized town and city planning, there is nothing bad here except for some 'human differences'.

If by nature I am a person yang memang suka pikir merapu2, how can I stop thinking? Thinking is not something that I can control... I believe it is beyond human control... by what if because of the thinking causing me to have super headache attacks? Then, am I going to face this till I die? Oh no, this is so painful that I don't even know how to describe.... But kalau dah memudaratkan, how can I stop this thinking? Antara salah satu cara nak berhentikan dari berpikir adalah, put myself in coma condition... I know medically it is possible but very risky.. hey, I don't want to kill myself but how can I avoid all these?

If I were to make myself in coma, there are 75% chances of getting permanent brain damage or die. Hish, ini lagi menyusahkan org lain atau, masuk neraka... takleh takleh...

Ish, penat la pikir.. *Now can you see how I think? and what do you think of how I am thinking? hehehehe.... HELP ME PLEASE...

HeadAcHe

Headache...
While typing this entry, I have a headache so severe that tears are welling up in my eyes and I have this medicated sticker pasted at 5 different spots on my head, neck and face. All fingers of mine are already cold and I can hardly open my eyes...

*Should I shave my head? Maybe with lighter head mass, I've got less frequent headache attacks?

I've got this tormenting headache since I was 15.
After my mother passed away, I used to go to the hospital alone to replenish my pain killers.
I could still remember that I used to carry those pills in my little pocket everywhere I went till I was 23 or so. When I was 18, soon after my father died, the headache sessions visited me more often and they were so bad that I couldn't bear the excruciating agony anymore and just cried. I went to the University Students' Clinic and told the doctor to refer me to the Neuro Specialist at the University Hospital and get a thorough check up for brain tumor. Alhamdulilllah, the result was negative...

Today:
As far as I recall, I have got this NON-STOP throbbing, sharp headache for the past 2 months straight... seriously, EVERYDAY! Sometimes it was so bad that I couldn't do anything but cried. So bad that every time I've got it, I feel like poking my head with a screwdriver! I know that panadols aren't effective anymore, therefore, the only solution I could think of was having a really hot shower to expand the blood vessels in my body especially at the cranial areas hoping that the blood flow faster. Every so often it works... (perhaps psychologically!)

Honestly, I've been haunted by my historical background of cancer related deaths of my family members. I'm scared of getting brain tumor. "Nauzubillah, God forbids"... *Ish, sapa lah nak jaga kalau sakit2...
I am praying hard that these are just another temporary strikes of Stress Migraine.

Here in Japan, I haven't got my insurance yet due to the visa thingy... So, it is impossible to go to the clinic or hospital. *Sakit macamana pun tahan je lah... Even with the insurance, I don't think I am able to pay for a full check or even tumor markers blood test. Should I go back to Malaysia and get a proper tests and treatments?

I don't want to live life in agony like this... It is too painful for me.... *sob sob

DeacTivaTe

Today, I officially deactivated my FB account.
No particular reasons.
Not because of shying myself away from the social institution.
It is just that I need some time for me to reflect back what I want in life.

Dearest friends and family,

I find life is a mixture of feelings, experiences and conjunctures.
A life that is not yet fully understood or verified by many even to the experts.
I want to have the full grasp of what life is all about.
Though I may not be able to get it, I will try my utmost best.
What I understood so far, I've realized that I've tried so hard to accumulate and polish my understanding, knowledge and skills to contribute to what I called human civilization and placed myself in between them, but unfortunately, I failed. Miserably.
I thank God for giving me capabilities beyond average ranges but I realized that there are so many cracks and holes that I need to fill up before I move on to the next level.
I came to an understanding that I can't ignore and leave these pockets unfilled in order to gallop around searching for a better life. All I have to do is, patiently mend everything around me before moving to the next phase.
I've been ignoring a lot of things lately and now the feeling of guilt is eating me slowly. I don't want to make people I love suffer due to my ignorance and my superfluous ambitions. That is the ultimatum of selfishness...
I am hurt and frustrated but I am sure that even in the darkest moment of my life, the sun will shine eventually.
I am waiting for the moment to come. I don't know when, but I am sure if not now, later. If not in this lifetime, maybe in the afterlife.

Maybe God has given me the chance to mend things before it's too late. Thank you God.

Motivation

Motivation? What is it all about?
Why I have fluctuating motivation level?

I am confused.

19 Days Left

I am a little bit disturbed after reading my sister’s Facebook wall comments.

“A*** Z**** bukan kanak-kanak. Juga punya hati”

I was moved when I read that. I have to admit, many a times I still see her as a small, young and timid little girl. Probably similar any parents out there, it is hard for me to accept the fact that my so-called little sister has already reaching her adulthood. She’s 21 this year. Never could I forget how we struggled with life without parents. I perfectly understand it is natural for children without parents to have sort of a bit of unusual characteristics. I am one of them and I am proud of my uncommon traits.

Back to the main topic, what I understand is that she is not happy to be treated as a child but ironically, most of them were rather immature and inappropriate. I don’t mind the childish or babyish comments, I feel sad because as she’s growing up, the lesser I comprehend her. She is somehow slowly transforming to a completely different person. Yes, I know many of you will say that I am sensitive. Yes, I am. Based on her comments, she ordered her friends to arrange things for her when she passed away kononnye (imagine, not a single word mentioning any of her siblings!). One of the ridiculous facts that I couldn’t tahan was when she said she wanted her friends to immediately delete all sms in her handphone and format it. Fishy huh? It came through my mind, there must be something she doesn’t want her family to know. I don’t know, a secret so huge that the whole family could be murdered? What and why? It shows that she’s totally ignored and distrusted the family values. Perhaps, to her family is only comes in handy someone is in need. I am truly disappointed.

I have a very small fraction of knowledge on the theory of peer influences and the theory of personality trait change in the psychological studies. Based from the paper published by Brent Roberts and Daniel Mroczek, human will continue to change throughout their lifetime and will somehow show different levels of self-confidence, warmth, self-control and emotional stability. I can’t do anything about it.

I know both of my sisters want to paint their canvases of lives ‘liberally’ without my interventions. I know they are painting cheerful and colourful front-covers. However, from several encounters with their personal statements, behaviors, Facebook, Friendsters and even in other online social guilds, I’ve came to a simple deduction that in the inside are just dull, black, gloomy and miserable pages. I’ve tried hard and persistently to assist and understand them but the question is that who am I? Is the ticket of being a big brother sufficient for them to pay attention to me? The answer is a BIG NO.

In all honesty, I really want my siblings to thrive and do well in life. Those two are the only family I’ve got other than my ‘complicatedly nice and kind’ stepmother and my eldest sister who’s exceptionally busy with her family and businesses. I don’t want anything else from them. I pray hard that they are all leading to the best of their lives.

I’ve learn something today. They have their own lives and perhaps they don’t need me anymore.

It’s okay…

I will start over… Even though it's gonna be tough and I'm gonna bleed from life with full of thorns.

20 Days Left...

"Backstabbers operate out of insecurity, believing they have to have perfect order to eliminate any threat to their power"

I've found out today that the above-mentioned statement is very much true to its nature. These species of complex organisms exist in every corner of the globe and spreading inconspicuously amongst us humans. They put on a friendly mask that appears cooperative, trustworthy, and yes, even sacrificial. Then, without a word of warning, they raise their glitzy dagger, and by the time you see the glint of the blade, it's almost always too late… or even worse, being professional in this, even as they stabbed you, you didn’t notice any pain or spurt of blood. You just drop dead. It is as natural as breathing. Most of their preys are those who are still green or inexperienced or those who have less sense of life intelligence.

I’ve also found out that I am one of the victims in many situations… Why? I have no idea.