19 Days Left

I am a little bit disturbed after reading my sister’s Facebook wall comments.

“A*** Z**** bukan kanak-kanak. Juga punya hati”

I was moved when I read that. I have to admit, many a times I still see her as a small, young and timid little girl. Probably similar any parents out there, it is hard for me to accept the fact that my so-called little sister has already reaching her adulthood. She’s 21 this year. Never could I forget how we struggled with life without parents. I perfectly understand it is natural for children without parents to have sort of a bit of unusual characteristics. I am one of them and I am proud of my uncommon traits.

Back to the main topic, what I understand is that she is not happy to be treated as a child but ironically, most of them were rather immature and inappropriate. I don’t mind the childish or babyish comments, I feel sad because as she’s growing up, the lesser I comprehend her. She is somehow slowly transforming to a completely different person. Yes, I know many of you will say that I am sensitive. Yes, I am. Based on her comments, she ordered her friends to arrange things for her when she passed away kononnye (imagine, not a single word mentioning any of her siblings!). One of the ridiculous facts that I couldn’t tahan was when she said she wanted her friends to immediately delete all sms in her handphone and format it. Fishy huh? It came through my mind, there must be something she doesn’t want her family to know. I don’t know, a secret so huge that the whole family could be murdered? What and why? It shows that she’s totally ignored and distrusted the family values. Perhaps, to her family is only comes in handy someone is in need. I am truly disappointed.

I have a very small fraction of knowledge on the theory of peer influences and the theory of personality trait change in the psychological studies. Based from the paper published by Brent Roberts and Daniel Mroczek, human will continue to change throughout their lifetime and will somehow show different levels of self-confidence, warmth, self-control and emotional stability. I can’t do anything about it.

I know both of my sisters want to paint their canvases of lives ‘liberally’ without my interventions. I know they are painting cheerful and colourful front-covers. However, from several encounters with their personal statements, behaviors, Facebook, Friendsters and even in other online social guilds, I’ve came to a simple deduction that in the inside are just dull, black, gloomy and miserable pages. I’ve tried hard and persistently to assist and understand them but the question is that who am I? Is the ticket of being a big brother sufficient for them to pay attention to me? The answer is a BIG NO.

In all honesty, I really want my siblings to thrive and do well in life. Those two are the only family I’ve got other than my ‘complicatedly nice and kind’ stepmother and my eldest sister who’s exceptionally busy with her family and businesses. I don’t want anything else from them. I pray hard that they are all leading to the best of their lives.

I’ve learn something today. They have their own lives and perhaps they don’t need me anymore.

It’s okay…

I will start over… Even though it's gonna be tough and I'm gonna bleed from life with full of thorns.

20 Days Left...

"Backstabbers operate out of insecurity, believing they have to have perfect order to eliminate any threat to their power"

I've found out today that the above-mentioned statement is very much true to its nature. These species of complex organisms exist in every corner of the globe and spreading inconspicuously amongst us humans. They put on a friendly mask that appears cooperative, trustworthy, and yes, even sacrificial. Then, without a word of warning, they raise their glitzy dagger, and by the time you see the glint of the blade, it's almost always too late… or even worse, being professional in this, even as they stabbed you, you didn’t notice any pain or spurt of blood. You just drop dead. It is as natural as breathing. Most of their preys are those who are still green or inexperienced or those who have less sense of life intelligence.

I’ve also found out that I am one of the victims in many situations… Why? I have no idea.

21 Days Left

"No matter how busy you may think you are, you must find time for reading, or surrender yourself to self-chosen ignorance."

- Confucius -

I have less than 3 weeks to start over my life-journey away from Malaysia. Indeed true as what they said, the first step is the hardest. Even harder when you have personal attachment here.

There are 1001 things to settle, to arrange, to donate, to discard and to dispose prior to my departure. Tho I have the complete checklist of things to do, yet, zero productivity, zero energy, zero motivation. It is not that I am not excited about all these but... you know.

Things in the office also not as bright. Thats all I can say.

Personally, I think I need to strengthen my spiritual activities. There is sort of an emptiness... I wonder whether this is the root cause for the lack of everything in me.

I will start over...